I've honestly missed writing in my xanga. I've not done it lately because I've felt all I do is either try to be profound or witty or sarcastic so as not to bore my readers. In truth, I don't think like that. I've noticed I do this when I realize someone subscribed to me. I try to duplicate what they liked about my writings in the first place.

Well tonight I opened up a bit and showed someone one of my secret xangas - the one where I write down and store my poetry. Some of you may have seen it but for the most part, it's kept on friends lock and sign in lock with only 3 or 4 friends. Showing someone what I write and the secret part I hide away was more freeing than I ever thought possible.

I'll be flat out honest. I lie to people about how I am. I make stuff up to cover up things that I worry about and then when it spirals out of control I get depressed and withdraw inside myself. I don't like talking to people. I'll be your worst nightmare. That's just how I am. People have tried to tell me it's a choice and how you can change parts of yourself. I don't believe that. You can learn to deal with it but not change it.

Today is To Write Love On Her Arms day apparently and my suitemate got upset at me for not doing it. I'm sorry but I don't feel right supporting something that should be in effect every day. Yes it's a great thing but when the day is over and done, people tend to forget about it.

TWLOHA has helped many people but I don't feel right supporting it. I've been through some of the things it preaches against. My brother has too. When it comes down to it, very few people actually live up to what TWLOHA is really about. That's why I have such a big problem with it. I honestly don't think TWLOHA does much other than create a fad but when it really boils down to it, it's as if it doesn't even exist.

Agree or disagree with me, that's your choice. I just needed to rant a bit.

Coloring. We've all done it. Some of us still do it. Tonight I decided to take a break from life and my game and everything and just color.

I started off with Tinkerbell and I'm currently looking for other things to print and color. So far, I've found Hamtaro (remember that??), Scooby Doo, and I'm looking for Thanksgiving stuff to color.

My favorite de-stress tool. Coloring with good music and now all I gotta do is cook some Ramen and drink some soda and life will slowly fall back into place.....at least, I hope.

So, I got a question for all of you to ponder while you're jealous that I'm coloring and being a kid.

What is your favorite de-stress tool that you've used across the years?

There are times every now and then that I want my voice to be heard and to just make the world stop and listen. When something happens that I don't completely agree with, I want to be able to speak up and say my piece and then sit down and shut up. But because lately I can't seem to be able to do that, I usually just rant to my close friends about the situation for weeks then get depressed that I can't seem to fight back.

Let me just get this clear now. My semester is screwed up big time. It has been for a long time. It got screwed up when I got sick for 3 weeks and all I did was sleep, barely eat, and play Atlantica. I know where I went wrong this semester.

I got kicked from the Performing Knights show because I had to drop 3 classes. Granted, one was voice lessons but that's still considered a class. They seem to think that my academics are suffering too much for me to be involved with the show. Ok, I can understand where they're coming from but what upset me was that I wasn't given any chance to show that I could fix things. Maybe they're giving me the chance but no one told me. I haven't talked to any of them since the last rehearsal that I went to which was on Thursday of last week. This is the longest I've ever gone without talking to at least someone from the group.

I've spent most of my semester playing Atlantica and I can tell that my run on there is slowly coming to an end. I'm nearing the level cap, I've started joining the high levels in dungeons and I've made nearly 400 million gold (which is a lot for someone like me). Yes, I know it's affected my academics and I wish I would have seen it sooner but I honestly do not regret playing the game for so long. I've made a really good friend out of the game and I think that's how things were supposed to play out.

I've been slowly trying to recover but I doubt there's any saving for the semester. I'll be happy if I pull C's in my 4 remaining classes. I'm going to start over next semester and try to fix things my way, at my own pace since that's all that I seem to be able to do right now. I'm getting tested hopefully over Christmas Break (I mean, Winter Break - for you people that demand to be politicaly correct whom I hate but that's another blog entirely) for learning disabilities, the works so we'll see what's wrong with me.

Today? Struggle through an Accounting test, do a skit for Acting class, vacuum the rugs in my room, do the rest of my dishes and get ready for the Trick - Or - Treators that will be coming through my hall around 7pm. Our hall is doing Wizard of Oz this year and I'm Glenda. Not too thrilled because I don't care for her much but it was the only costume I could throw together easily and I had a wand for it. Next year, I'm going to be either a Jedi or Elphaba. Be sweet to be both or a ninja. Hmm.....