---------------» ( music ; A River Flows In You by Yiruma)

   

As a society, we're numb to a lot of things. 50 years ago, I think society would be shocked and scandalized with how things operate today. Young girls dressing in ways only prostitutes would have dared to dress, back then of course; some of the things on television, some of the things in movies; more things in general I suppose.

We're not perfect, not by a long shot. Can we ever be perfect? Not a chance. Perfection is an illusion that we as human beings long to grasp but like smoke, passes right through our fingers. So many things just slip through our fingers without us even noticing.

Dick Clark's death has really gotten me to thinking. We're all RIP Dick, RIP Whitney, etc, etc, the list goes on. Some people bash them for things they did "wrong" (I use quotes because some views on right/wrong are more focused than others), some people praise them for their achievements. But I have to wonder, would they say the same about themselves after their death?

True, things never stay the same. Time is chasing after us all. The scary part is when you get that wake up call and realize just how close time was to catching up to you, or how careless you were. We're content to just stand by and let things happen, let the world change on us without paying all that much attention. Getting wrapped up in our thoughts, our own lives, little things here and there instead of the big picture.

For me, it hasn't really sunk in fully. I'm not sure it will until I'm old. Maybe not even then. I do know my life is passing me by. I see it happening every day. I mean, I didn't go gambling until I was 22 1/2 for crying out loud. And then I screwed up by not buying everyone dinner afterwards. I thought they were just joking. Little did I know, it's apparently tradition. But that's my point. It took me a year and a half to do something most 21 year olds do on their birthday or soon after. Most, not all. I do know of quite a few people who have made the choice not to do so.

The worst part, is realizing that things are passing you by and you're not even paying attention. Until something happens that forces you to pay attention. Mom keeps saying I'm here for a reason. I suppose she has a point. I've survived much worse than a lot of people have. Going from being abandonned at birth to getting through a divorce between my parents that still has me questioning things, walking away from a car accident that could have severely broken bones with merely a cut that's left a scar, even barely two weeks ago when without some sort of intervention I could have started a fire and burned the house down with me asleep inside of it. Somehow I woke up in time to only scorch the counter and get a couple of lungfulls of smoke but nothing else.

That in itself really brought things to mind. I get it, life's too short to waste, all those cliches, they don't really mean anything. They're just fancy words to use and say. To some people, they're a mantra, but there's no real weight behind them. There's no pull to those words. I don't think there really are words to describe anything like it. At least not to the extent of how you feel when you get that wake up call.

But the real question that I don't think people really think about? How would you feel if you had a sudden wake up call to everything around you? Would you feel alright with how your life is going? Would you have any regrets? And if you do, would you do something about them.

Is there a point to all this? I'm not sure. It's just something that I can't seem to get off my mind, no matter how much I try. I can't explain it and all of this probably makes no sense. Most of this site probably makes no sense, even to me. Sometimes there's just things you need to write out in the hopes that someday, it just might make sense.

---------------» ( music ; Slow Me Down by Emmy Rossum)

   

Have you ever woken up one day and been completely shocked by the date? Or woken up and thought there was something wrong with the clock because it had to be later in the day/morning? I feel like that's constantly happening to me. The past few months have been an utter blur. If you asked me what happened, I really couldn't tell you. It seems my entire life has become work and with hours being cut, I'm starting to wonder if this job is worth it, and if it's time to look for a new one. We all get to that point in a job but I don't think many people have sacrificed as much as I have for this job. Which makes me wonder if it's not time to move on.

Thanksgiving weekend, I worked a full 24 hours. Thankfully the last day was only a 5 hour shift but still. 2am to noon on Friday, 6am to 2:30pm on Saturday, 5am to 10am on Sunday. Needless to say, I crashed. I love Target and all but the lack of sleep is killing me, I can feel it. Don't get me wrong, I've gotten some good things out of working there. Bumped my bank account slightly (I'm ignoring the 4,000 debt I have to my old school), got a netbook to take to school, made a few work friends. Doesn't change the fact that when I am home, I sleep if possible and barely get work done. My brain seems to have left me behind and gone off on adventures. When and if I do sleep enough to dream I have all these characters, stories, places, all these incredible ideas in my mind but I rarely wake up and remember them long enough to write down. Maybe they're a way of keeping me sane through all this madness, maybe they're just ideas to give me something to think about.

I finally only have 2 semesters left of school but at the same time, I have no idea how to move on. I wanted to go out to USC but due to money issues, that doesn't seem to be happening. I'm just so tired of my area. I don't want to stay here but it looks like I might have to a bit longer. I've grown to hate the phrase "we'll see" because it really means nothing more than a way of getting out of answering. Yet that's the answer I get when asking questions about really anything. Just makes me wonder if there are people out there who will give you straightforward answers and not just go with the "we'll see" or "we'll get back to you." I thought that's why I wanted to go into management but after being in three jobs with management that's all very similar, I don't think management is for me. Possibly in smaller situations but not in a big company.

The only class I really enjoy this semester is my Computer Graphics class. I have to say, I never thought I'd be using InDesign at all let alone be able to create a magazine. I had a great idea for a site that Tina mentioned to me a long time ago but considering the circumstances, I doubt I'll ever get an opportunity to tell her. I suppose time will tell if I ever do anything with some of these ideas. First I just need to survive the semester. That'll be a feat inside itself. I know one thing, next semester I will not be closing at Target. I know you get extra hours that way but just no. It's gotten to be too much to handle. At least on a regular basis. Once I get caught up in classes I've decided to return to xanga permanently. Updating here, updating romanticharmonies, and getting back into roleplaying. It's been nice, being away from stuff on here, but I think, at least for me, it's time to return.

---------------» ( music ; So Far Away by Staind)

   

I missed the Glee episode tonight. I don’t know how I feel about this. I’m not surprised. Things just have a way of slipping past me I guess. Everything seems to. Opportunities, things I’m looking forward to, things I don’t even know about until it’s too late, friendships. I don’t even know anymore.

The days all seem to blend together. I don’t really even sleep anymore. I feel like Kurt kinda in syg I guess. I’m living but not really. I get up, go to school, go to work, come home and pretty much sit here and read. It doesn’t matter what I do, I always seem to upset someone and the phrase “no friends” really does seem to apply now. I went from having quite a few friends or at least people I could talk to down to next to no one. I have school people I talk to at school and work people I semi talk to at work but since I won’t ever talk to those people again once I finish at school/move on to another job, I don’t know if I could count them as friends.

I lost someone who was supposedly my best friend and sister and had no idea it had happened until after it had. I miss the laughter and hours-long phone calls and how we used to talk every day. The longest argument we had was a week and looking back, all arguments we had stemmed from roleplaying. It makes me wonder, would we still be friends if I had given up my character like they wanted me to.

I guess I’m tired of sitting here day after day hoping someone would get online that wants to talk to me, would get excited to see me online. I mean, I know, I talk to literally 3 people online now and they all have lives and things to do offline but when you’re alone, even having just those three friends really does help. My “best friend” is married with a daughter on the other side of the country, and my only other friend is engaged. It just makes me wonder where my place is.

I’ve been driving home from school with lyrics popping into my head and the worst part? They’re all full of longing. I’m terrified to write them down because I don’t want to see just what it is that I’m longing for. I have a general idea but writing them down just makes it more real to me. I’m so tired of reading about what I want and being trapped knowing I can’t have it just yet, if at all. My dreams seem to be blocked at every twist and turn. I need that opportunity to break free but it just feels like that one came and is long gone and won’t be coming back.

It’s like morphing from Animorphs. You get this amazing ability but there’s limits. You stay inside the limits and you can keep the ability. Stray and you’re trapped as something less than what you were. And yes I’m talking about Tobias. I kinda feel like him right now. Forever doomed to watch everything I wanted, everything I dreamed of, my life, go on like a movie reel.

I don’t even know why I bother writing any of this out. I just post because I need the outlet. I’m long past the point of wondering if anyone will care what I write. I mean really, who would care about the whingings of a 22 year old? I’m just not sure anymore. Things just got so complicated and for whatever reason, I can’t see anything coming before it happens and then I’m the one left standing in the rain watching everyone else leave and go off wondering what the hell just happened.

---------------» ( music ; Bittersweet by Jim Brickman)

   

I think this is the first year that I've not looked forward to my birthday. I've been telling Jerica lately that honestly I'm not sure I want today to be special, to be celebrated. It's nice to get the attention but when its from people that never talk to you and you don't hear from the ones you do talk to on a semi regular basis....that hurts. Sure I had dreams when I was younger of becoming famous and everyone knowing my name for acting, singing, whatever, but the older I get the more I wish that those that I consider my friends would notice me a bit more.

I know a lot of it is my fault since I don't try hard enough to keep in touch but when you're relegated to 1000 text messages a month, you have to spread them out between people and I do work 30 hours a week plus go to school with 15 credit hours. I am busy. I've stopped rping completely except for one which I can't quit because I promised never to leave it behind. It's just me and Jerica so it's not exactly rping since we can leave it for days/weeks without updating and it not be an issue but still. I remember loving rping and rushing home to get on. Now, it seems like too much effort to get on and be someone else even if just for a little while.

I'm having the same issue when writing my Glee story that I had an idea for. Great idea, but when it comes to writing it out...that's a totally different story. I guess I've finally hit a point in my life where I'm too busy to do the things I used to do. When I'm not doing homework or working or sleeping because I'm totally exhausted, I'm reading. It's nice to get back into reading but I'm slowly growing bored with it. I guess I miss the old days when I had less cares and things were more relaxed. Unfortunately, I'm growing up even if I don't feel like I am.

I don't feel 22. I don't think I should be 22. I wasn't even ready to turn 21 last year, what makes me think I'm ready to turn 22? I honestly feel like I should be turning 19. I told people that I didn't feel a day over 19 and most people agreed with me. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Honestly, I don't think I really even care. I mean I'm 22 and I've been forced to deal with some things most people don't deal with until they're in their 30s or 40s. I think feeling 19 instead of 22 is perfectly acceptable in this situation.

Then again, today just didn't feel like it was my birthday. Maybe it's cause I'm getting older. Maybe it's cause people just don't seem to care this year. I don't know. I just know I don't really like it. Birthdays are supposed to be special. Today felt like just another day to me. If this is what birthdays are like as you get older then I don't want to have another birthday. 

---------------» ( music ; Lake Erie Rainfall by Jim Brickman)

   

It's been what feels forever since I logged on here and actually wrote. I mean, there's honestly nothing really big in my life to talk about. I don't like getting on here and rambling about nonsense or things like that. I don't like writing about my woes or things bothering me, because really, no one wants to read the whinings of a 21 year old. You hear a 21, almost 22 year old whine and you think "oh grow up" or something along those lines. Granted, it may not be that PG but you get the point.

I couldn't ever bring myself to delete this page despite the fact that I never know what to write anymore. It's got a special spot in my heart that I just can't walk away from. When I started this page, I was your typical stupid 15 year old girl who was more obsessed with getting a guy to like her than anything else. I vented, I wrote about whatever came to mind and didn't think twice about it. Now, six years later, I hope that I can say that I'm very different from that girl. I mean, so much has happened in those six years. Far too much to put into words on a simple blog. I've made friends, lost them, had some experiences I know I'll never forget. I graduated high school, I went away to school, I moved back home, and now I'm looking to the future when I will move away.

When I graduated high school, I thought I knew all I needed to know. I thought I would be fine and would just have fun in college and meet new friends, find the place I truly belonged. Looking back now, I realize how naive I was and how much more complicated things are. However, if I was able to go back in time and change things, I don't think I would have. Everything that's happened to me has shaped who I am, who I've become and as much as I would love to get rid of some of the pain and the hurt that I went through, I don't think I would. We all have pain and hurt in our lives. As much as we hate it, it's good for us. It teaches us that life isn't perfect, people aren't perfect. We make mistakes, we put our trust in the wrong people, we screw up. That's just a part of being human. A part of learning who we are.

I'm not going to sit here and claim that I know who I am, far from it. I think I'm only just now learning who I am. I don't think I'll ever fully know who I am. I can only see bits and pieces of the whole picture. Maybe someone looking from the outside in will see who I am, maybe not. Things change, life changes. I learn more and more about myself everytime I talk to someone and they say something new. Something I wouldn't have thought of before. Lately, that's been happening a lot whenever I talk to Ava or to Grace. My mind is opened to new possibilities, new worlds to explore.

I used to think that because my friends are scattered across the country, my best friend on the opposite side of the US, that it meant that I needed to get away as well. I thought that being as far away as possible would give me a way to start over. Now, I don't think that anymore. Sure, I'm still looking to go away, but this time, I'm looking for somewhere that I can feel at home. Somewhere that I've always wanted to go, but never got the chance. Maybe it is me just looking to get away, but I'm still young. I'm unattached to a guy, so now's really the time to figure out where I want to be, what I want to do with my life. What used to be so straight forward and clear, isn't anymore. I'm sure that's normal and I'm not too worried about it. Someday I'll figure all this out, maybe just not today.

I don't mean to sit and try to be all philosophical because honestly, the thought of me trying is quite laughable. I'm not a philosophical kind of person, I never have been. To try to be something I'm not, well it just seems silly now. Trying to be something I'm not just hurts me in the long run. Trying to be something for other people, when that fails, it hurts more than anything else.

I've come to terms with losing friends and with losing people in general. I regret the circumstances, but with some people, their inability to let things go is what I regret the most. I've had far too many friendships ruined by that. I'm hoping whatever happens next in my life, that doesn't happen anymore, despite the fact that I know it probably will. I guess they were right, my old lunch table in high school. No matter how old we get, no matter what our lives are like, drama never goes away. Someone always finds a way to bring it back. Although then, I had someone to ignore the drama with. Now, I just do the best I can.

Who knows, things may all end up working out for the better. I may get this job I have an interview for and pay off Marian and go away to the school of my dreams. Things might actually turn out the way that I'm hoping. I won't hold my breath, but if it does, wouldn't that be a wonderful surprise? Wouldn't that be amazing.